I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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