I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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