New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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