from now on my penis is your penis
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
