you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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