i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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