apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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