i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
