i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
