You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
