You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You need a sexual gate keeper
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I could fuck to npr.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
