if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
