Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
