Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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