Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
