Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
