I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
