there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
