so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
