i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
