mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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