I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
