Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
