Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
