I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
