Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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