So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
