Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
