covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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