hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
