Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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