He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
