Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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