wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
