idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
