OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
