Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she peed on how many people?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
