at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize