3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
