in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
