Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
