I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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