my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
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