When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
