be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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