i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
