Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
