I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
