it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
