I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
