____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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