Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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